Anger Management? How does one "let go" of anger that they have towards a particular person for things the person did to them, but you can't express the anger/feelings toward the person? My ex never cared about how I felt or what I thought about anything, even though she always said she wanted to know. So I felt never able to tell her how I felt or what I thought about things, especially those things deep down, or close to my heart. She accused me all the time of being a horrible person just because of that (in a nutshell--I won't reiterate all the things she said). And she posts this on 's, too. So I'm angry at her for being so nasty and me being unable to fight/defend because I would be accused of being defensive, yet not expressing how I felt. This is how the whole relationship was. So I'm angry at her but I can't tell her. How do I just let go of it and move on and forget about her? Thanks.

You need to talk to her about this then dump her and move on. But you need to say something--you dont have to be mean, but address this problem. (By the way, she sounds like a total asshole. Was she always like that?)

Yes she was.... We aren't speaking though...haven't spoken in at least a month. I refuse to entertain an argument or a confrontation with her because all it ever turns into is what a horrible, awful, hateful, selfish, self-centered person I am. She tells me all the time what is "wrong" with me and what is bad about me...never anything good. But then when I say this to her, she says but I don't think that at all, you are a good person, blah blah blah. But then she turns around again and does it again. It's not that I'm looking for praise because I am certainly not, but unless you are perfect don't point out my faults. I have said this to her before, as well. Actually we broke up 3 weeks before that and I never heard from her...I was trying to get over her at that point. Then she writes me some "thank you" email but ends it with, I know you aren't going to answer because you haven't yet." And my mistake was answering to that. She wouldn't talk to me...when I ed to talk the week after she ended it, she didn't answer but ed me back a few minutes later and left a message that had a very nasty tone. At that moment I just said, OK, I'm through. She has posted things to me on 's several times and extremely nasty things on her website (which I have since removed from showing up since it was "connected" to my own blog page)... She posted something about me never talking to her about things deep inside but talking to total strangers (sort of like what I'm doing now but if I bring this to her now, she will say she's not interested in it now, but woudl have been if I had said it before)...even though the words on her CL post were something to the effect of, "My ex tells total strangers things that are close to her heart but won't tell me, though it would be nice to hear them from her. Her passive nature and fear of negativity keep her from going for hers." (Yeah right...the fact that she doesn't really care even if I do tell her things keep me from telling HER...though I can talk freely to my closest friends.) Then she has the nerve to ask total strangers to keep her posted about their "situations". I am trying not to let it get to me but I can't--that's what I'm trying to do--get rid of this! SHe says I am impossible to talk to...though she makes it that way for me. If she doesn't care, doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me,

(cont'd) yes she is why is she tracking me and what I do on the web? Somehow she knew about a basketball game that I got invited to which i NEVER told her I was going to and never even talked to anyone about except for a couple emails I exchanged about it with the friend who invited me. She has made me paranoid that she's tracking my emails. I would not put it past her. The thing was, when I tried to TELL her before, she didn't want to listen. She ed me one night when I was out and I ed her the next day to talk and that's when she was nasty (this was after we broke up)...so no, i'm not going to jump on my phone and answer it when i'm out to dinner with my friends!) The reason I stopped being able to tell her was because I stopped trusting her...and when I told her this it was met with the attitude of "I don't care". My anger comes from the fact that she is posting all this CRAP instead of coming to me and talking to me--hypocritical. She accuses me of playing games, lying, etc...but in actuality she cheated on me and lied to me about where she was going and who she was with (at the same time demanding that I tell her everything I was doing all the time). I had a suspicion she was cheating on me with her ex but I couldn't bring that to her either because I wanted so badly to trust her becaus ewhen i DID ask her if she wanted to get back with her, she said no way, not in a million years, etc. But now I am not so sure. So my goal is to get rid of this anger somehow. I cannot talk to her because first of all you can't reason with insanity. So here I am, posting to total strangers and not taking it to her...because of what I said she'll say. I'm stuck with trying to get over this by myself. I'd rather not talk to her anyway becasue she won't really listen to me anyway. As much as she says she wants me to tell her, she will say to my face that she isn't interested now because I should have said it before. (So I should say why post it on CL that you want to hear it if you don't)? Hypocrite. Makes me want to scream.

You don't need anger mgmt but maybe you could benefit from a session or two with a good therapist. Based on what you wrote here there's clearly too much emotion still attached to this relationship for you to just "let it go," poof. It's completely okay for you to process what you're feeling. Please don't try and process with her. You're right -- she's not listening very well. A therapist will.

she said... my anger was "unmanageable" and "i should get that checked out" LOL. Yes, I have animosity to her because she is impossible. She wants to hear it but won't listen. You're right--I don't think I need anger management either. I kind of meant that sarcastiy/tongue-in-cheek. She would always tell me to tell her when I was mad but when I did, she didn't want to hear it...and then she says things like, you need to look into that. I'm seriously tired of giving it any energy.

I know what you mean I was involved with someone who did a massive mind-fuck on me that sounds kinda like what you're describing. It's toxic, and it's good that you're walking away ... but sometimes it takes hard work to stop giving energy to something that sucked so much out of you. You know? That's why I say maybe a therapist can help.

Nushka's right. Therapy is a very good idea. The way you've described your situation seems to indicate that you could use some help processing all this. Please consider it.

OH cherry...been there myself and i agree with nushka. i went to a couple of sessions and they made ALL the difference. my ex was a lawyer, so she was very well versed in "talking in circles" to get the desired outcome SHE wanted--which included the "I" have anger issues, "I" always play the victim...and I would never get a chance to say what I was feeling! she dominated conversations, arguments, even times when we WEREN'T fighting! i had to come to the realization that, yes, i loved this person once, and NO i don't like how she's treating me. i deserve better than this--at least someone mature enough to discuss the things that aren't always a pleasure to talk about, but necessary for growth in the relationship...**HUGGS** to you, because i feel your pain through your words--i was RIGHT there. you have to realize you will not be able to communicate effectively with her (*and maybe someday you'll be able to--but now is OBVIOUSLY not the time...*) and to be able to do that, you should try getting a completely objective opinion and advice from someone YOU CAN effectively communicate with. i like to solve my own problems. it is a drawback from the childhood--trying to take care of myself--I NEVER ASK FOR HELP. but, as soon as i DID ask, and i started talking to someone who has no stake in my life, doesn't have any biased feelings towards me or my ex or my situation as a whole, i felt more able to navigate those feelings and GET THROUGH THEM. now, it's YOU time. take care of YOU and get back to HER when YOU're in a stronger, steady place. and if she is still unable to communicate, i'd say cut your losses--there are better fish in the sea, grrl--and ones that WON't treat you like shit!! <x :) GOOD LUCK, LADY!!

I have a question for you. I have a pretty dominant personality and date someone that I think is more like you and cherry. I get frustrated when I'm trying to have a dialogue and it turns into me yapping. Sure, I'm forceful and try to get my point across, but I expect them to stand up for themselves and get their point across too. I don't interrupt and I listen effectively, but she'll just sit there and look at me. When I say, can you add to the conversation or tell me how you're feeling - nothing. Then she'll tyrn around and tell someone else what you're saying, that I don't listen or won't "hear" her.

i definitely stand up for myself and contribute to the convo, and MY ex DIDN'T listen very effectively, so that was my issue. i felt like she'd always interrupt me, to state HER point, HER objectives, HER wants...etc...i WISH i could find someone like you, who CAN hold their own and contribute and listen and effectively work out whatever the problem might be. i feel a certain level of emotional availibility would account for that kind of communication...and unfortunately for me, i have the tendency to date the emotionally UNavailible type. *changing strategies NOW* but, imho, i feel that her "shutting down" on you, talking to friends about the issues but not to you, demonstrates a level of unavailibility. maybe couples counseling? i find that sometimes i am better able to articulate EXACTLY what i mean by writing it down. write a letter and give it to her, but don't let her read it alone--read it together. maybe she could do the same thing. i find if i write it all out, i can formulate my sentences so they make sense, without interruption or "hurt feelings" from the other person while you're in the middle of trying to help the other person to understand what you're trying to say. does that make any sense? that way, both of you have exactly what you're feeling, exactly what you want to say, without interruptions or outbursts from the other party and maybe you can better understand eachother. this is just my opinion and it's worked for me. maybe it can work for you, too. :) :)