So I talked to the Vanilla BF last night He was pretty accepting to what I want, but still very hesitant. He seems like he is a lot more willing to go along with the rougher sex and dominating me more rather than being watched or watching. Soooo, I am going shopping tonight. Since he thinks that naughty lingiere is as kinky as it gets, I will apease him a bit. But with that, he is going to learn how to get a lot rougher and how to properly tie a woman to a bed and drip hot oil on her. Well see how it goes.....hopefully it will pay off in the end - no pun intended :-)

take baby steps Don't push him too hard too fast. Most men are socialized that it's "wrong" to hit a woman, or to cause pain. And this isn't an all together bad thing. It just gets in the way of this particular kink. That socialization can be very hard to overcome. Take it slow. You'll really need to encourage him in-scene and let him know that you're really enjoying what he's doing.

Good advice I had thought about that as well. And I think that is a big part of the problem. He has always been the type that is more of a "giver", so I think once he finally gets the hang of it and sees how what he will be doing to me is going to make me cum like never before with him, he is going to get a little more into it. Maybe then we can get into the voyeristic portion of my wants...

that's probably another issue but also something you can work on. I'd suggest at a time. It'll be difficult enough for him to work through his feelings on beating you without having someone watch as he does it. Once he's comfortable with giving you pain, why don't you introduce a camcorder to the fun as an interim step between private play and having an audience? You can also use the recording for "analysis" and reinforcement... "oh, I REALLY liked what you did right there..." ;)

why coudn't she just bring another guy over to hit her, let the bf watch. Jealousy will do the rest?

she is looking to encourage dominance in the man she loves and wants to stay with. assuming you're serious and not just being an asshole; jealousy is the wrong emotion for her cause. jealousy is never healthy, no matter the nature of your relationship.

Thanks pixie I don't have any intention of being with another man, possibly ever again. That is why it is really important to me that my bf embrace what I want since I have been pretty quiet and complacent for so long. If I can teach him what will get me going, then, well, it will be kizmet! Or at least a little more painful ;-)

proving once again that great minds kink alike. Good Morning, Pixie!

'morning MWE!

she hasn't mentioned a desire to have another person there as a participant, just as a voyeur. I don't think jealousy has a place here as it may run off the bf who she seems to care about. If this was an attempt at humor, I find it misplaced and not funny.

Your right in a way There would be participation on his part with the other woman, and maybe a little with me, but it is mainly for me to watch and then be with him.

We have done the camera thing before that was actually his idea. Really fun in the midst, but he seemed very uncomforatble when we watched it. But actually introducing another woman would not really have the "violence" involved - it is more for me to watch him with another woman and then finish him off for the night. I get so wet just thinking about the idea of watching him have sex with another woman and then joining into the fun after taking care of myself a little bit. Who would have thought a man would be so hesitant to be with x women?? And I can clarify something a little bit too, I am not really into "violence" as you are possibly thinking. As I stated yesterday I am, as I keep reading posts on here, somewhat vanilla in kink. I am really into pain in the sense of much rough, pounding sex, I am not into the gentle love making and I do enjoy whips, spanking, hot wax & oils, etc. All of this is super foreign to him, but I think I can teach him to be the boss.

Ultimately what I would want is For him to be with another woman and for him to be very dominant over her. I mean, that is waht I get off on, so I would like to see him really get into it with someone else. Plus, I think that seeing it from a different point of view is going to be a way for me to see him as even being more in charge of me. As saying, I can do it to her, now I am going to do it to you. With that said though, if the first encounter was more vanilla to get him into it, I would be able to make that comrpomise as long as it were to escilate into more of what I was looking for. I am really hoping that tonight is going to be a turning point and that I am finally going to het a little taste of what I have been hoping for *

Just remember the baby steps and don't get your hopes up too much for a single scene. Take your time. Unsolicited opinion: it seems to me you want to watch him dom another woman as "proof" that you were successful in training him to be a dom. What if he only wants to, or feels comfortable with, doming someone he has a relationship with (you)? It doesn't mean he couldn't be a good dom to you. Just sayin'.

you wouldn't happen to be hobbled in those red platforms, would you? *forced baby steps* Seriously, you wouldn't feel even a little satisfaction in seeing him develop into a more dominant person, knowing you had a big role in that development? Its not a bad thing to want to see your partner grow, and not wrong for you to be proud of him and the outcome. I hope this goes well for you. Please keep us up to date, OK?

Bring to mind... "Grow Your Own Dom"... can't for the life of me remember who coined that. But some cool fo chick grew her own and lived to tell!

^brings... brings, brings, brings, brings, brings, brings, brings, brings to mind. I am really trying to work on my typos. lol.

no problem and your response to her was wonderful, btw. Kinda scary how much we seem to think alike...

I think I might see satisfaction in seeing him develop an open interest into what makes me happy, but not so much into being a teacher of sorts. I totally see what your saying, and I can see where that could be the case, but searching my subconsious as best as I can, I don't see that being the main want out of this whole thing.

some thoughts IMO, you should focus onor the other. That is, on developing his dominant side or on the FMF. It sounds like this is all new to him. You will need to teach him, but easy does it; anything that is rushed can backfire. As mentioned, men are raised not to hit women the needs to start separating erotic force with violent force. Lets be clear, bdsm should not be “violent”, the act of violence IMHO implies non- consensual … so perhaps a rape fantasy includes violence (mine do)… but the bdsm I have enjoyed, no matter how hard the spanks and cruel the language and so forth, did not contain what I consider violence. Bringing a third into the bedroom can be terribly hot but can also be disastrous. I have heard all too many times of wonderful trusting relationships ruined by rushing the threesome thing. Both partners need to be incredibly secure with both the relationship and their sexuality. The later seems almost impossible for your man at the moment; since you are clearly (although in a loving way) telling me that he is not meeting your needs. I would work on him meeting your needs for dominant play and ensure is totally comfortable and very much feeling like “The Man” before you invite a third in. When an idea is thrown at me, I tend to immediately think no way because it’s outside my comfort z Once I have had some time to digest, think and attempt fantasizing about the act, I then know if the idea turns me or I can find a way to try it at least once. We are all different but this has worked wonders for my progression. On many occasions, I simply became obsessed and so turned on that I was craving said act so badly… the more initial resistance he senses from me, the longer he waits to act it out. This approach takes a lot of patience. The acts will be doubly hard for him to accept as he will be theinflicting pain and control over you, he needs to find a place in his soul that wants this, that is comfortable with it and turns him on… our psyches are complex and the major source of turn on… get inside his or get your desires in there… talk to him, explain how you get so turned on and you want him to be at the same heightened place. Let him know it is not the act you want but him doing it to you. Best of luck, you sound like a wonderful girlfriend to your guy!

Wonderful insight Thanks pixie! Everything you said is right on. I totally agree that it is going to bething at a time. Just that I told him that all of these things are encompassed in what I want out of sex are not going to heppen overnight and I totally understand and respect that. I totally feel like he is coming halfway in understanding about me wanting him to control me and dominate me. If he does come around to the FMF, then YIPEEEE for me! Plus, I am totally looking forward to all of the practice we are going to need to get in before we get to that point!

Well said AGAIN APG Love your insight. It's nice that you help out and clarify for folks. Typos be damned!

Awww thanks Bite! yeah i am trying to make an bigger effort re: the typos. having said that, thein your name was intentional!

good luck